A new year

Wow, 2009. I can still remember waiting for the world to come crashing down back during the NYE of 1999 and the NYD of 2000. My mom was a in panic, did she get enough water, did we have enough canned goods, was our computer going to crash??? It was all a big hoax. So many people scared my mom into thinking bad things were going to happen. And little did I know that was going to be my last NY with her. She had her heart surgery in October and then the landslide occurred, she had fluid on her heart and the went in to drain it. Slam, she coded on the table and they brought her back, fairly quickly and they thought it would all be fine. They drained the fluid and as they were closing her, Slam, she coded again. It took them much longer to revive her the second time and she slipped into a comma. I can remember getting the call from my dad, it is frightening how you never forget that call. The comma continued, but I swear she squeezed my hand during one of my all nighters by her bedside. The nurses told me it was a reflex, but in my heart I know it was her telling me good-bye. They tested her on October 30th and said that there was no brain activity, and they wanted to take her off of all of the machines on the next day, October 31st. I said there was no way I wanted to remember her leaving on Halloween, let's wait until tomorrow, All Saints Day, and remove her then. She was turned off of all machines on November 1st, and she lingered in a comma without machines for 4 days. My dad and I would go and visit her, and family would come with us. On that 4th day, Novmeber 3rd, the nurses told us we would need to remove her from the hospital and place her in a nursing home or at our home with hospice. We decided to do at home, we couldn't see her in a nurisng home. We signed the papers to have her moved the next day on the 4th. My dad said he wanted to go and visit her that final night by himself. He did and I am not sure what he said or did, but the nurses called the next moring to tell us that she had past away. I have feeling he told her it was okay to go and be free and she listened. We were all at peace that she would not have to spend her days in a hospital bed in my dad's living room, but I so wanted her to sit up and just wake me up out my nightmare. I can't imgaine how my dad deals with all of this. He is so strong and goes on day by day without her. I know he misses her, he says many times she was his one and only and he will never date or see anyone again. It will be 9 years in November that I have lost her. I still cry, I am still so angry I could spit. My girls will never know her as I did. I can tell stories of her great qualities and continue to let the girls see her through my eyes, but is so not fair that she didn't get to Eleanor or know about her. Abigail still remembers her, but Abigail was only 2 when she died. We talk about her often and keep her in our life. I have a feeling she is near, but I would never want to see her again. It is to painful to think she could wander into my life and then have to leave again. I think about that the country song "One More Day" often that if I could have one more day with her I would be greedy and want more days.

So as I look into 2009 I wish for happy moments and few tears. My girls are my favorite things in my life, they are part of me and a part of my mom.